Friday, April 01, 2005


2o years in the making, and we've got a budget. What do you got for us Joe?

"We have a budget done March 31," Bruno said. "This has been the most open, public process in the history of this state."

What else is to there to say? So let's get to the other foolish news.

According to a recent report, Joe Bruno filed his taxes in March and was quoted as saying, “I filed my damn taxes. Damn early, too. Dammit”. In an act of one-upmanship Shelly Silver e-Filed his taxes but then expressed concern about “if they would really get there” and insisted on mailing a hard copy although he didn’t mention this at the press conference where he appeared shaking hands with the guy in the Uncle Sam suit that works out in front of Liberty Tax on Central Ave on Tuesdays. In related news, according to both Bruno’s and Silver’s tax returns, it is clear they are both overpaid.

The Erie Canal was sold Thursday by the Pataki administration for two packs of gum, a lighter, a carton of Luckies and “however many Old Milwaukees are left in that half rack you have”. Pataki’s Director of Communications, Lisa Stoll, reportedly crowed, “I thought we’d never sell that sewer. Damn, we really fleeced that asshole. Pass me an Old Mil and a smoke…fucknut.”

The Times Union ran a cover story about the first Albany tulip blossoming. 17 angry letters to the editor were received claiming that the TU is biased because the tulip that blossomed was in front of a “liberal tax raising surrender monkey so gay he wants to get married to Saddam, that is how gay he is” person’s house and that in reality the first tulip was in front of the Republican State Headquarters.

State Republican Chairman Stephen Minarik declared the Democratic Party the “Party of Death” after someone picked the tulip in front of the republican headquarters. Minarik then sent the media photos of several prominent democrats holding flowers. Hillary Clinton claimed that, while her husband had deflowered many, she never killed a flower in her life and quotes the bible to prove it (“As for man, his days are as grass: as a flower of the field, so he flourisheth”). Chuck Schumer was seen making a phone call and promptly received $1 million from FTD and the sweet smelling floral lobbyists and, in general, flourishethed.

Apparently John Sweeney wasn’t ducking his constituents for the past few weeks. He had been hanging out with Frist and Delay in DC discussing the finer points of how he stopped the Florida recount and his ideas on the possibility of making democracy illegal when he had to duck into the bathroom. The trouble started when he tried to leave and found that the door was stuck. Unfortunately Delay and Frist got Santorum’s Schiavo memo while he was in the can and they had to hop on a chartered Lear jet paid for by some Korean people and get down to Florida to take advantage of this “political opportunity”. Sweeney reported, “I understand that Bill and Tom had to leave. I don’t blame them since the culture of life is our new slogan and we are all in this together. But this was a horrible experience. We need some sort of protection or safety net so this type of thing can’t happen to anyone else. He was also quoted as saying after 8 days “I sure don’t smell like the culture club for growth..I mean life.“

Some prominent figures recently ran into some trouble on the roads. Lt Gov Donohue was recently ticketed for speeding on 495 South in Mass. SUNY Chancellor King also recently received a ticket for failure to properly operate a motor vehicle. The officer on the scene reported: “He was practically in tears when we found him. The car wouldn’t move, he was trying to make it go forward and backward with the radio volume knob…I don’t know how this guy got a license. I see too many yahoos like this guy in my line of work. We really need to work on the education system in this state”.

Libby Pataki’s new children’s book “Lenny the Laughing Lobbyist” recently became a best seller when Cendant bought a copy for every one of its employees.

Albany Schools recently found another $400 million dollars. It was in the kitchen behind the lard vats. Apparently no one ever looked there. All Albany property owners received a $500 rebate which worked out well because Mayor Jennings’ new “we don’t have a landfill so we have to pay other people to take our garbage tax” worked out to just about $500 a homeowner.

New plans to tear down Wellington Row and locate the new Albany landfill in its place were welcomed by the community. Although the landfill will be visible from the Governor’s office Governor Pataki didn’t oppose the measure and several staffers heard him laughing and yelling, “Don’t like it, Spitzer? Sue me!” One Albany area resident (interviewed at the Crossgates’ Food Court) recommended that there should be a ceremonial “burying of the preservationists” to open the new landfill. However, not everyone was celebrating as other city residents objected to the new recent $500 garbage tax still being assessed with the new Wellington Landfill now appearing to serve the city’s garbage needs. In response, Mayor Jennings introduced a new obstructionist tax. The city charter was also recently amended to make naysaying a crime.

Common Council member Michael Brown recently addressed the full council as “My esteemed colleagues”. President Pro Tempore Richard Conti reportedly turned to President Helen DesFosses and said, “Hey, president cockroach, who is HE talking to?”

Helen Desfosses was seen in a blue sweater. The Media Project spent an hour discussing this and ended up declaring the move to be deceptive politics and recommended Desfosses apologize.

The latest Quinnipiac poll reported that in a head-to-head match up, Governor Pataki would lose to That Guy on The Corner Who Pushes the Crosswalk Button All Day. One respondent quoted that, “TGOTCWPTCBAD (T-bad) really knows what he wants and sticks to his plan. He’s like Reagan that way. T-bad has my vote.”

Eliot Spitzer filed a lawsuit against all NY Republicans. Stephen Minarik promptly responded by calling Spitzer a “republican killer” and then cited Spitzer’s rather impressive approval ratings with Democrats, Independents and some “crazy-assed Republicans” as evidence.

Time Warner representatives recently showed up at the Albany PD headquarters and voluntarily revealed the identity of all anonymous bloggers. TW spokesperson Chad Bigby said, “Arrest these bastards. Lock them up. Solitary. Whatever it takes. We’re sorry we ever listened to Gore and started this damn Internet”. Police tried to arrest several bloggers but when they arrived at their apartments they found they’d all been evicted. One landlord encouraged the police to shoot first and ask questions later, “Jail is too good for that punk. He never paid any rent. I turned off the water but he didn’t notice for 2 months because he never bathed. Do us a favor and put him out of his misery.” Shortly after this statement was made it was commented on by the brand new blog Democracy in Colonie…